TO ALL THE DRUNK WOMEN:

20 CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT


YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN...

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.

2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull
your pants up in the ladies room.

3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look
more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick
it up and carry on eating.

6. You start crying.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due
to start work.

8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th
grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on
a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. You've forgotten where you live.

12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the 60 cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10 times by now) you only smoke when you drink.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated
you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer
taste the gin or vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels
strangely like pizza.

15. You start every conversation with a booming,
"Don't take this the wrong way but..."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when
you sit on it.

17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling
take-down moves.

18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why
not!).

19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing
up if they really want to.

20. You entertain the people at your table by playing
air guitar and singing "Jeramiah Was A Bullfrog" at
the top of your lungs (and it sounds REALLY good).